I feel very deceived/uncomfortable by how old Demetri Martin really is, he's sort of like Rivers Cuomo for the next generation of girls.

Dear Diary, will we be able to find an apartment in Clinton Hill? (Found epic place in Greenpoint.) And Diary, when will the rest of the world finally "get into" As Good As It Gets-based humor?

A self-indulgent post: the Penguin Deluxe edition of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is the best ever, Broadcast News is the best ever, and here's who I think would play me in a movie: (this would be a scientist genetically assembling them, not I'm Not There stunt casting)

1/2 Holly Hunter in 1987

1/4 Rick Moranis in 1987

1/4 Chloe Sevigny in, oh I don't know, like, 2003 or something

This is a short play I wrote about how the movie UP was written.

Two men, PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1 and PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2 are sitting around a table. They have been working all night, and are, despite being very tired, in a fabulous mood.

PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1: This is going to be even better than Wall-E.
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2: I know, man. When we finished that montage with Ellie's death, even I was crying. And I haven't cried in ten years.
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1: You don't think the bird's too much?
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2: Nah. As long as it's not a major plot point or anything and it's just there for a little bit to show the boys' nurturing sides, I think it'll be fine.

The PRESIDENT OF PIXAR enters with his NEPHEW. The PIXAR EMPLOYEES rise.

PRESIDENT: Please, sit, sit.

They sit.

PRESIDENT: So, how's UP going so far?
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2: It's going really well. The best one yet, I think.
PRESIDENT: Agreed, agreed. I saw some of the stills for the scene where the old man beats the guy in the truck and goes to court, and it's just so realistic. Totally heartbreaking.
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1: Yeah, we were all pretty proud of that one.

There is a long pause.

PRESIDENT: You've met my nephew Toby, right?
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1: Yeah, Toby! I remember you interned on Cars - nice to see you again!
NEPHEW: I helped do some of the early character development in Wall-E, too, for the Jeff Garlin character. Remember?
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2: Oh, right, Toby!

A longer pause.

PRESIDENT: So, Toby's good. He's really good. He just needs a chance.

The PIXAR EMPLOYEES look at each other nervously.

PRESIDENT: I want Toby to write the movie from hereon in. You've set it up so well, and he's such a good writer...he has some great ideas, and this should be a piece of cake for him.
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 2: I dunno, boss - we've started talking about what happens next, and we've got some great ideas about Carl dealing with own mortality, his body breaking down while they're in South America...
PRESIDENT: I think you should listen to what Toby has to say.
NEPHEW: Well, I was thinking. You know the famous painting Three Dogs Playing Poker? I was thinking it'd be really funny to set up a visual image of that in the movie.
PRESIDENT (laughing): Ha! That's a good one, right?
PIXAR EMPLOYEE 1: But there aren't any dogs in the movie.
NEPHEW: Well, not yet...



I love, love, love dogs. But I was not sold on the last two thirds of this movie. I know it's hard to critize something featuring a house floating by balloons on lacking reality, but come on.

i'm hip about time

Not only was Peter Fonda so so dreamy but Easy Rider was maybe the best movie I've ever seen. While this isn't him in the movie (wrong sunglasses, wrong sideburns) it's the best thing from page one of Google image searching and I am getting tired. Second post about a movie star in one day. Normally I'm not like this, I promise.
.

Performances in American Beauty That Have Stood the Test of Time
Kevin Spacey: No
Annette Bening: No
Thora Birch: Yes
Wes Bentley: No
Mena Suvari: No
Chris Cooper: Yes
Allison Janney: Yes
Peter Gallagher: Maybe

Book group discussion points:
1) Is this, as my roommate claims, a "pre-9/11" movie? Would this still be made today?
2) Why is Jane Burnham friends with Angela Hayes if she's so mean to everyone and has seemingly no redeeming qualities?
3) Is Jane saving for a breast reduction or augmentation?
4) Is an eighth of an ounce of weed that costs two thousand dollars "worth it" if you're just a guy with nothing to lose?

ANNA FARIS

FUCK YOU ANNA FARIS. I have no idea why this woman is praised as some brave comedic pioneer when all she does is play the worst kind of supporting female roles - ditzy, sex-starved, stupid - and now she's condoning date rape ("Ummm...that's funny, right?"). (New York's blog response to the piece they previously ran is similarly unsettling.) This New York piece is incredibly telling and depressing in her roles ("clueless," "motormouthed," "dumb"). This woman is doing way more harm than good and I call for a boycot.

Edit: okay, so it looks like I'm a bit late to this Observe & Report date rape insensitivity blogging, but the sentiment still stands that Farris is a horror who takes a step backwards for women, especially women in "comedic" roles, every time she appears in a movie.

what i took away from the oscars

A little redundant to do after a Michael Cera post, but since I missed the parts of the Oscars with meinen Helden Werner Herzog and Heath's family and the "big musical number," the thing that left the biggest impact on me, that I'm still thinking about, is the preview reel afterwards. Specifically, the preview for Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithstonian. I saw the first one in the theater because I thought it looked awesome, and it was definitively not-awesome. The second one looks even worse. But: if I could be in any movie ever, it would be this one - hell, I would maybe even pay to be in it.

"Hey, are you interested in goofing around with Lt. Dangle and the State people, dressing up as any historical figure you want, and having Steve Coogan and Robin Williams slap your ass in the buffet line?"

Yes, yes, yes. Sign me up for Tituba, and please please give me a scene with Ivan the Terrible (Christopher Guest).

Personal Tim Burton Ranking - Best to Worst

Love love love
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
Edward Scissorhands

Like to eh
Nightmare Before Christmas
Batman Returns
Big Fish
Batman

Eh to poor
Sweeney Todd
Ed Wood
Corpse Bride
Sleepy Hollow
Mars Attacks!

WTF D00D
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Planet of the Apes

Saw Sid & Nancy and except for the font in the closing credits/unintelligibility it was just as good as I remembered (BAM's Punk 'n' Pie series should have been retitled "You'd Love This In Middle School!"). And don't worry, didn't come out of it with crushes on Sid or Nancy, just Gary Oldman, as per usual, and Quindon Tarver-eque disappointment about Chloe Webb today. I would say I have a crush on BAM too (I mean, they did sucker me into a membership) except they're closed for late December-early February - what kind of movie theater takes a hiatus? Is this so they can brainstorm more super-creative film series? Not buying it.

Post a comment: what is your favorite movie theater?

I'm not the sort of person to freak out over celebrities, but yesterday I had the ultimate sighting. Without bragging, it it better than any celebrity sighting anyone else will ever have (besides my mother seeing Jackie O).

In my new dentist's office, waiting for thirty, forty minutes because he's stuck in an elevator, on West 51st. An old lady is haranguing another old lady about politics and how we all should be more like Denmark. The harangued old lady, in a very familiar voice, says "oh, yes, well thanks for sharing, that's very nice." The old lady, is, unmistakably, LIZA MINELLI. This is only confirmed when the dentist calls out "Liza!" and she laughs her unmistakable laugh and says "I'm here!" She is wearing a zip up plushy onesie and naively slutty hat only comprable to Degrassi TNG Season Two Manuela "Manny" Santos. Spray-on tan. Suuuuper skinny. While I am getting my teeth prodded I keep hearing her laughing, which leads me to wonder what is so funny about her teeth.

I am this close to sharing an elevator with her and I wanted to scream at the hygenist ringing me up "HURRY SO I CAN SHARE WITH LIZA" but I didn't. I will make my next appointment in six months to the dot in hopes of running into Ms. Minelli again.

Also last night I gave myself a mani-pedi, face mask, and watched this two-and-a-half hour epic:


Cannot recommend enough.

I think if I could interview anyone in a magazine profile (Penn Jilette and Kelsey Grammer excluded) it would be Tyler Perry. It blows my mind how prolific this 6'5" workhorse is. I would be up front and say, "look, Tyler, I know very little about you, but what I do know I find very interesting." In this dream scenario, he also has a tour bus I ride around with him on, complete with "funny sofas," you know?

I am considering donating my eggs for thousands of dollars to one of those 1337 Jewish babymaking companies. Does anyone know anyone who has actually done this? It sort of weirds me out but six thousand dollars - food and utilities and an apartment for, like, six months! - for something so simple is hard to resist.

I've also been thinking about this a lot:



And with that, I am off to graduate.

I really really like Errol Morris, and I also love Miranda July. Her fiction, her nonfiction, her movie, her style, not really her music but nobody's perfect.



I wonder if she's funny?

Last night we had a cheesy girl's night in and watched Lindsay Lohan's "I Know Who Killed Me." I've never screamed out loud at a graphic torture scene until this movie, and I've also never seen a movie with so many "motifs" and "foreshadowing" and "symbols" (blue! red! yellow! limbs! owls! gloves! roses! blood! cigarettes! etc).

However the most notable part of the movie was that Ali was under the impression that we were watching "There Will Be Blood" the entire time.

Spoiler alert!



vs.

Memory: this is how I planned on losing my virginity circa sixth grade:

I am thirty years old and the first female president of the United States. I am also, clearly, the youngest. I have long blonde hair in braids. Through some sort of contest, I won a trip to Hawaii and a full wardrobe and luggage set from Roxy Quicksilver. (Although I am the president, I guess I can't afford these things on my own.) I take my vice-president, who in my mind was this boy in my class I had a crush on. When we are on top of a cliff in Hawaii overlooking the ocean we kiss for the first time. Later that night, we're in this greenhouse that's also a planetarium - it's warm and there are plants everywhere, but you also look up at the sky and see the stars in a science museum-looking way. We "do it" really tenderly. The next day when we're back at the White House running around the track we discuss the reprecussions of our actions - how will we tell the public? Do we tell the public?

Also, holy shit! The Oscar nominations are out! And King of Kong isn't nominated for best documentary and the little boy from Sweeney Todd or the There Will Be Blood score aren't on there either, so my (alredy low) Oscar emotional investment plummetted further.